Dan Calabrese

After an exhaustive session with Uncle Sam, the Debt Counselor met The Media.

CHARLES BABBLER of the ASSOCIATED NEWS: Why are you trying to create a disaster?

DEBT COUNSELOR: Pardon me?

BABBLER: If you don’t let Uncle Sam borrow more money, he’ll default on his obligations.

DEBT COUNSELOR: His obligations are the problem. He’s taken on far too many and he doesn’t seem to understand that taking care of them, as you say, involves a lot more than just paying interest. He needs to stop borrowing and start paying the money back. If he does, eventually he can live debt-free and won’t have to be making payments all the time.

CHUCK TOAD of BSNBC: Why are you so inflexible?

DEBT COUNSELOR: There’s really not a lot of room for flexibility when one’s debt load has exploded like Uncle Sam’s has. And as usually happens in a situation like this, the person in debt has a hard time recognizing the reality of the situation. It requires a little tough love.

JENNIFER LOVELORN of the UNITED PRESS: Why are you risking default just so you can get your way?

DEBT COUNSELOR: Jennifer, there really is only one right way to do this. You have to cut up the credit cards, you have to get spending under control, and you have to have a plan to retire the debt. You have to start doing it immediately. Uncle Sam was asking to be allowed to continue borrowing, without paying off any principal, for another decade. No debt counselor in the world would sign off on that.

WOLFY BLINTZ of QNN: Why do you want to take away all of Uncle Sam’s money?

DEBT COUNSELOR: I don’t. I want to stop Uncle Sam from blowing it himself. Uncle Sam is taking in plenty of money. He’s taking in several billion every day. I’m not going to stop that from happening. The problem is that he’s spending every penny of it, and then borrowing almost the same amount yet, and spending every penny of it too. Would you do that with your own household budget?

WOLFY: I make a lot of money.

DEBT COUNSELOR: Congratulations.

WOLFY: Want to know how much?

DEBT COUNSELOR: Not really.

SEAN HANDY of FOXY NEWS: Isn’t it true that Democrats are left-wing radicals who hate America and love big government, and install a communist regime in which every facet of American life is controlled by cold-blooded bureaucrats in Washington? And isn’t it true that they hate the country music concerts where I sell my books because that’s where the real great Americans are?

DEBT COUNSELOR: Um . . . what?

KATIE UNCURIOUS, formerly of CBS SNOOZE: Why do you want to destroy the economy?

DEBT COUNSELOR: Who told you I want to destroy the economy?

KATIE: Uncle Sam.

DEBT COUNSELOR: Do you just automatically believe everything Uncle Sam says?

KATIE: Don’t you?

DEBT COUNSELOR: Oh boy . . .

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