Bob Maistros

News Flash: President Obama today declared a halt to all new offshore oil drilling until an investigation is completed into the recent deadly rig explosion off the coast of Louisiana.  The decision comes less than a month after the President had cleared the way for new drilling off the coast of Virginia, among other areas.  Said presidential advisor David Axelrod, “No additional drilling has been authorized and none will until we find out what happened here and whether there was something unique and preventable here.”

Stop, baby, stop!

Breaking News: The White House today stopped air travel nationwide until a probe is carried out of the crash of a twin-engine, two-passenger plane in Ottumwa, Iowa.   A senior spokesperson stated, “We’re not letting any additional planes to take off until we find out whether there is anything to be learned from this tragic incident that can be applied nationwide and what is being planned for future air travel.”

Bulletin: The government today banned the opening of any new restaurants in America while officials look into six cases of food poisoning at a greasy spoon diner in Altoona, PA.  Opined White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, “We’re not going to let any new eating establishments start up until we find out why these people got sick and whether the government can do anything to stop it.”

This Just In: The President has suspended all professional hockey games pending the completion of a National Hockey League review of a high-sticking incident in which defenseman Jacque leJacque lost two teeth.  Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained, “We’re going to keep these players off the ice until we find out whether we’re dealing with a one-time incident or whether this is inherently dangerous.”

Special: The White House has temporarily barred all sales of bicycles after Timmy Smith of Oakland, CA suffered a fall and skinned his knee.  The bike is being examined by safety experts from around the country.  A senior advisor intoned, “These bikes seem like pretty hazardous instruments.  We have to keep kids off of them while we check out whether there are any lessons from this incident that can keep children safe.”

Stop the Presses! President Obama today declared a moratorium on all sexual activity until an investigation can be conducted on unintended pregnancies reported by three women.  A senior staffer insisted, “Hey, we have to get a grasp on how this happened and whether there is something unique and preventable.”

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