Jamie Weinstein

Earlier this month, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced that he was retiring from the Supreme Court. It was a shocking announcement. After all, Stevens was only 89 years old.

And we're just getting started.

By all accounts, Stevens is a good and decent man and all of us can thank him for his service, even if we disagreed with his judicial philosophy. But if Stevens can set the standard for retirement age in America, he will be an even more historic figure than just a Supreme Court Justice. He will be known as the man who saved America from its looming entitlement crisis. Now that would be something.

Naturally, Stevens’s retirement has inaugurated a new season of one of the political establishment’s favorite sports: Supreme Court Nominee Prognostication.

No stranger to the sport myself, I wouldn’t pass up a friendly game SCNP for all the marshmallows in a box of Lucky Charms. Except, instead of predicting who will be picked for the high court, I would rather offer some friendly Supreme Court suggestions to the president.

One criterion that the left finds important in Supreme Court nominations is diversity. So, surmising that the president is still looking for diversity in his pick, my suggestions will reflect this reality. But remember, diversity doesn’t just mean different religious backgrounds and ethnic heritages. It also has to do with the academic and professional background of the nominee.

You see, some say the Supreme Court is packed with too many brainiacs, too many know-it-alls from Harvard and Yale. It’s time we get someone with a different background, some Supreme Court critics say.

A spiritual thriller by Dan Calabrese. Click the image learn more and to order a copy.

If this is the path the president wants to take, may I suggest social worker Donald Baumeister? Besides being a 1980 graduate of Western State University Law School, Don is well known for failing to pass the California Bar a record-breaking 42 times.  So if the president wants a Justice who doesn’t fit the Harvard Law/Yale Law mold, he couldn’t do any better than Don Baumeister.

The president could also go with someone of Asian decent since there has never been an Asian Supreme Court Justice. There are a lot of qualified Asians currently in the legal world, but why not go with someone outside of the box? I say if the president is intent on naming the first Asian American to the bench, he should select William Hung. In addition to being the first Asian to ever sit on the Supreme Court, Hung would also be the first American Idol contestant ever nominated to the Supreme Court. Even so, Justice William Hung would likely still be the worst singer on the high court.

However, if the president is insistent that his nominee have some sort of legal understanding, yet would still like to make history by selecting an Asian American, he should look no further than Judge Lance Ito. Remember him? Sure you do. Think about it for a second. That’s right. Ito was the presiding Judge in the O.J. Simpson murder trial. If he could handle the Trial of the Century, he can handle the Supreme Court.

If I were the president, I would probably try to spice up the Supreme Court with my pick. Let’s be honest, Supreme Court hearings aren’t always that titillating. So why not nominate a comedian to liven the show up? How does Supreme Court Justice Jerry Seinfeld sound? What about Supreme Court Justice Chris Rock? And I know America would just fall in love with Supreme Court Justice Andrew Dice Clay.

If I know the president like I think I do, his obvious first choice for the Supreme Court is teen music sensation Justin Bieber. But to the president’s disappointment, Bieber is actually Canadian, which makes him ineligible for the Supreme Court. This does, however, explain why the pint-size singer reportedly needs a “swagger” coach to teach him how to act cool.

I would be remiss if I did not suggest a couple more mainstream lawyers who I think would make excellent Supreme Court justices, most especially because of their self-proclaimed toughness. In the past nomination cycle, I suggested Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro for the Supreme Court. I continue to think that a man who not only proudly “sues drunks,” but in fact “hunts them down and ring[s] out every dollar” would make an excellent Supreme Court Justice.

But since my last recommendation of The Hammer, I have come across another attorney with dazzling credentials that I think President Obama should consider. His name is Marco Palumbo, but he goes by the name the California Switchblade. Though one might think a lawyer who has named himself the California Switchblade would practice law in California, the Switchblade actually practices in Oklahoma. Go figure. Perhaps the president could gain some political points in Middle America by picking a justice from Oklahoma.

If the president can’t find a Supreme Court pick among the candidates in this article, then perhaps he is a more serious president than I imagine.

10 Responses to “Some helpful suggestions for Obama’s Supreme Court pick”