Dan Calabrese

I realized something a few years back about “death threats,” at least the ones you hear about.

This epiphany occurred in the aftermath of the incident in which Roseanne Barr crapped all over the national anthem at a San Diego Padres game. Why they invited her to “sing” it, I will never know, but pigs do what they do, and after Ms. Barr screeched out the sort of rendition that would inspire you to gouge your ears out, she grabbed her crotch, spit and walked off the field to a deafening round of boos.

She was making it up just like you.

Knowing she had done something incredibly stupid, and having no excuse whatsoever, Ms. Barr claimed within days that she was receiving death threats.

Ah. Death threats. The last refuge of people who make interminable asses of themselves. It was the only way to make herself look like a sympathetic figure in the aftermath of her public display of douchebaggery.

I realized something that day. I realized that everyone – and I mean everyone – who publicly claims to be receiving death threats is lying. This is not to say there are no death threats. Of course there are. But the ones you hear about, claimed by people who just did something that royally piss everyone off, those are fiction.

What’s more, whenever someone claims to be receiving death threats, you know that they have already lost the battle for public opinion concerning whatever it is they have done, and they are now desperately looking for a way out.

That brings us to the Democrats, who just crammed socialist health care down the throats of an unambiguously opposed country, and now . . .

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Well, have you ever cheated on your spouse? I haven’t, but here’s what I imagine it would be like: There’s someone tempting you so bad, she’s driving you crazy, and you know you shouldn’t, but all you can think about is having sex with her. You want it bad, really bad, so bad . . . and finally, one day, the opportunity presents itself, and you do it. You have sex with her, and it’s the most exhilarating thing you’ve ever experienced.

And one second later, you realize it’s all downhill from there. Now you have to deal with the fallout – trying to juggle the two women, trying to hide it from your wife, trying to explain to the mistress why it was just a one-time thing, praying to God she doesn’t go Glenn Close on you. You got what you wanted, and you’re never going to get a moment of peace again.

That’s what the Democrats did. They’ve been wanting to force socialist health care on this country since FDR, and now they’ve finally done it. Let your breathing slow. Light up a cigarette. What a feeling.

Uh oh.

Since there’s nowhere you can hide, you claim you’re getting threats. You are a poor, innocent victim. What, oh what, will you do? You know the mainstream media will buy this garbage hook, line and sinker – covering it in a way they would never have covered, say, the phony accounting you used to sell your health care bill.

But you’re making it up and you know it. Just like Roseanne Barr, you haven’t received any death threats . It’s simply the only way you can make yourself appear sympathetic after you just forced the country to bend over and take your socialist abomination where the sun doesn’t shine.

Death threats, my ass. Besides, we need you alive so you can deliver your concession speeches in November.

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