Bob Maistros

“I commend you, mere politicians, for joining me, the Obama Lama, upon the summit.  For if you will release yourselves from your talking points, props, usual critiques, partisanship and ideology and partake of my Received Wisdom, you too can achieve True Enlightenment, Universal Coverage, Budget Savings, Lower Premiums, Entitlement Reform and Miraculous Healing of Cancer Victims Denied Coverage by Cruel Insurers.  Lamar Alexander, we will recognize you now.”

Ready for your received wisdom?

“Won’t your Received Wisdom actually involve ‘the mother of all unfunded mandates’ and even higher premiums?”

“Lamar, it is apparent that your inability to let go of your usual critiques is keeping you from True Enlightenment.  Because the Source of all Truth is the Congressional Budget Office, and we know this because CBO agrees with the Enlightened One.  Jon Kyl.”

“Obama Lama, in defense of Lamar, the Congressional Budget Office actually points out that premiums will increase by 10 to 13 percent under your Received Wisdom.  And there is a philosophical difference between us – we simply do not believe that all Received Wisdom comes from you on high here in Washington.”

“Jon, you disappoint me. You might call 10 to 13 percent an increase, but it is not, because I say that it is not, and I cannot be wrong. Only by letting go of my unhelpful talking points and accepting my Wisdom can all of us receive the benefits it has to offer. Tom Coburn?”

“Other Sources of Truth, such as the Congressional Research Service and – hands over hearts – Harvard, say that government misspending and fraud, as well as lawsuits, are the cause of the high costs.”

“Tom, you surprise the Obama Lama. Have you no faith? Do you not realize that in my greatness, the Obama Lama has anticipated these issues before they ever happened, and that my Received Wisdom addresses them fully?  Dave Camp.”

“Enlightened One, on page 1959 of your Received Wisdom, there is a provision …”

“Dave, if we are going to talk about every portion of the Received Wisdom you do not understand, we could be here a very long time. Mitch McConnell.”

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“Obama Lama, might I point out that you and your followers have been monopolizing the time.”

“Mitch, Mitch.  I am the Obama Lama.  How can the same limits of time be applied to Givers of Truth as to Seekers of Truth?  John McCain.”

“Obama Lama, I would remind you of some of the Truths you handed down during last year’s campaign.  The Truth of Open Processes.  The Truths of No Lobbyists and No Special Deals.  The Truths of …”

“John, do you not know that the People have spoken and anointed me the Enlightened One?  One does not campaign against Truth.  Young Eric Cantor.  Please do not tell me that you have the 2400-page bill upon the table before you.  Do you not realize that such props block a true Meeting of Minds?”

“But Enlightened One, we believe that it is important for people to understand that despite your promises, your Received Wisdom could cause millions of people actually to lose their health insurance.”

“Once again, young Eric, you misunderstand because your mind is blocked.  You are denying your own deep desire for my Rulership, which requires many, many pages. Millions will indeed give up their health insurance from evil private insurers because we have something better for them. Can you not release your foolish Republican notions and accept that which is Good and Right and Wonderful?  Peter Roskam.”

“Obama Lama, your Received Wisdom involves putting millions of people on Medicaid, which is not only broken, but also welfare.”

“Peter, Medicaid is not welfare, because people do not want to go on welfare, and therefore I declare that it is not.  John Boehner.”

“Obama Lama, with all due respect, the People do not want your Received Wisdom.  It would bankrupt our country, add $500 billion in new taxes, add unconstitutional mandates, cost jobs, force all Americans onto government plans, and require taxpayers to fund abortions.”

“Once again standard talking points and poll-tested language.  Will you never learn? You Republicans must search your souls. What we must do together is find our areas of agreement and disagreement. Then we can bridge those differences – by agreeing with the Obama Lama.  Or else we can bring my Truth before the People.  Harry Reid, do you have something to add?”

“But Enlightened One.  You’re not running for re-election this year.”

“Allow me to offer another piece of Received Wisdom: Life’s a b__, isn’t it?”

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