Bob Maistros

I’m sorry. Honest I am.

You see, it appears all these satirical jabs I’ve been aiming at our president over the last year have drawn some blood.

Last week, Mr. Obama lamented to a church congregation, with voice quavering, eyes glistening and countenance drooping, that “(t)here are times when the words that are spoken about me hurt. There are times when the barbs sting.”

Everyone stop being so mean to me!

I never realized.

Then our prez picked up on the “sticks-and-stones” theme in his State of the Union address, although in less personalized fashion. To wit: “Washington may think that saying anything about the other side, no matter how false, no matter how malicious, is just part of the game … So, no, I will not give up on trying to change the tone of our politics.”

Tell you what. I’m ready to back off. From here on in, in discoursing about the highest elected officer in the land, I’m going to show the same degree of sensitivity, warmth and reticence he has so consistently demonstrated in his first year.

I mean, given the damage I’ve clearly already done to his delicate psyche, and the damage I’m clearly doing to the “tone of our politics” in the process, it would be wrong of me to make any additional mention of how, when asked by a duly elected member of Congress what right he had to shove a $1-trillion stimulus bill down the other party’s throat, the Chief Executive magnanimously responded, “I won.”

I feel our leader’s pain. So far be it from me to bring up again how, in an earlier address before a joint session of Congress on health care, this paragon of restraint sweetly suggested that the other side was engaging in “scare tactics,” “bickering,” “games,” “a lie” (yeah, he actually said it first), “demagoguery” and “distortion.”

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Perish the thought that I would inflict greater anguish on our commander in chief’s tortured soul by reminding my readers of his kindly meant implication that principled opposition to stem cell research involved “manipulation or coercion,” the “distort(ing) or conceal(ing)” of scientific data “to serve a political agenda” and the making of scientific decisions based on “ideology” instead of “facts.”

How could anyone in good conscience further bruise the president’s feelings by pointing out how, on national television, he warm-heartedly described a peace officer as having “acted stupidly,” or, in the very same press conference, sunnily inferred that pediatricians (who usually refer such work on to surgeons) are profiteering by recommending tonsillectomies on children with allergies?

Given the suffering he is obviously experiencing, I couldn’t even consider pointing out how 44 – who lives in taxpayer-financed housing, gets driven everywhere and flies on vacations and nights on the town on Air Force One – has charmingly described CEOs as using “taxpayer money to pad their paychecks or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet,” pleasantly characterized bankers as “fat cats” and, as recently as a week ago, lovingly questioned their right to avail themselves of democratic processes.

Truth be told, I’m deeply chastened by our president’s expression of personal heartache and deep concern for the “tone of our politics.” So once again, I promise that in the future, I’ll comport myself publicly just as civilly and compassionately as he has.

After all, I’m not here to praise Mr. Obama. Just to parry him.

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