“What an incredible night this will be!”

Rush Limbaugh is beside himself. He’s the moderator of the first GOP presidential debate of 2012, carried exclusively on Fox News Channel. What a highly charged confrontation we can expect! Who would have known four years ago that the candidates would include Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Joe Wilson, Michelle Bachmann, Joe the Plumber, Michael Steele, what-his-name…oh yeah…Mitt Romney, the guy who looks like an anchor-man, and the front-runner, New Jersey Senator Lou Dobbs, who never did look like one.

They have already marched onto the stage. There was a brief scuffle as they each lurched to the far right, but things have settled down now. All of them are staking out the same extreme position. It’s not hard to understand. Ever since that upstate New York congressional loss, no Republican wants to be in the middle. Not the road, not the stage. Not anything.

Limbaugh continues to speak:

“We will be joined in the questioning by Ann Coulter and Glenn Beck.”

(Actually the choice of Beck had created some real hard feelings at Fox News, where Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly argued they were Lunatic Fringe before Lunatic Fringe was cool.)

(Actually that was not the only backstory. Beck was upset that Fox had decided Limbaugh should moderate instead of him. After all, he had considered running for president himself. but angrily gave up the idea when officials rejected his idea that the nominating convention be replaced by a Tea Party).

“The discussion will be divided into specific segments:

“First Obamacare: Why it will kill old people and get between you and your doctor. Next: Those cursed Mexicans: Why we must shoot at anyone who tries to cross our southern border.

“Senator Dobbs has already asked to go first on that one and has agreed not to participate in any of  the other segments, since immigration is all he ever talks about…

 “Following that we will move on to the economy: Why the recovery and any regulations are godless communist plots by the Nazis.

“Last will be abortion which will be our shortest segment since all of our candidates know better than not to march in lockstep with the right-to-life movement.

“Governor Palin and Mr. Plumber have asked that they not be required to take any questions.”

Limbaugh was about to explain the rules of engagement. But before he could start:

“Excuse me!”

“Yes, Governor Palin”.

“Rush…may I call you Rush? I thought we would have a section on foreign policy so I could discuss my unique expertise gained when I was in Alaska watching Russia.”

“Actually”, said Rush (we can call him “Rush”), “We decided we’d cover the subject in the immigration section, since that’s the only foreign policy true, red-blooded Republicans care about anyway. So I’m afraid I will have to turn down your request.”

“You are such a hater!”

“Actually…” It was Lou Dobbs wildly gesturing, “Actually I’m way more of a hater than he is. I’m the biggest hater of all. That’s why I should be our nominee.”

That’s when Joe Wilson interjected:

“You lie!”

Things were starting to get out of control. But then Mitt Romney decided it was time to get into the act, and he did what he always did best, he calmed things down…and calmed things down…and calmed things down……and calmed…..

It was definitely time for a question from someone in the audience.

“I’m wondering if any of you candidates want to tell me not just what and who you are against, but what you’re for?”

(SILENCE)

Which was Rush’s cue to jump in:

“That’s all the time we have tonight. I would urge everyone here to watch the Democrats tomorrow night on MSNBC. Barack Obama will be debating with himself.

“Or go to the event yourself. Think of it as a townhall meeting.”

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