Bob Maistros

WASHINGTON D.C. – Detailed reports are emerging about a publicity-and-power-seeking mystery couple from Chicago that managed to capitalize on a series of lapses in judgment and breakdowns in procedures to talk their way past various checkpoints and safeguards and into the White House. 

Nope, not them.

The couple was first admitted to the presidential mansion last January despite a near-total lack of credentials. Background checks have revealed that the pair launched their plot to gain access to the corridors of power beginning almost immediately upon his controversial selection to a high-profile government position five years ago, after a relatively brief tenure in a similar job at a lower level.  

The checks indicate little prior record of real accomplishment on his part and a work history that labels him as a loner, far out of step with his colleagues or the mainstream; she served in a public relations position, the visibility and remuneration of which appear to have been related to the high profile they managed to generate. 

Information obtained by this reporter demonstrates that the couple was able to work its way past a series of checkpoints by misrepresenting their situation and intentions and taking advantage of numerous procedural and judgmental bungles. The pair cleared an initial screening process managed by the Democratic Party by continually repeating a series of phrases – including “change” and “yes, we can” – that seem to have been accepted as a sort of pass-phrase that shortcut any scrutiny of their actual credentials.  

Meanwhile, the couple was able to produce references from high-ranking officials apparently hoping to benefit from their hijinks, while discrediting a disputant who challenged their progress through a series of sexist attacks by surrogates as well as by questioning her character and veracity. 

At the second checkpoint in the entry process, the couple suddenly switched tacks, succeeding in bribing its way past decision-makers by offering a series of financial inducements (including a far-reaching tax cut and dramatic reductions in the cost of their health care) as well as presenting themselves as respected experts in instilling fiscal and security discipline. 

Throughout the process, the two took advantage of an aura of faux celebrity that quickly took on a life of its own and built on itself. Exclaimed one observer, “They approached the White House with cameras in tow everywhere they went, along with fawning media coverage – almost like reality-TV stars. The guy even had a presidential seal and these almost regal backdrops. How was anyone supposed to know they were posers?” 

Like many of today’s instant celebrities, their triumph in seizing the limelight has led to a sharp spike in sales of two otherwise forgettable literary tomes penned by the husband. At the same time, their social- and political-climbing capers have enabled the couple to hobnob with high-level dignitaries and celebrities. National security and protocol authorities have been embarrassed by the release of photographs showing him embracing the strongman leader of Venezuela and bowing deeply to the royalty of Japan and Saudi Arabia.  

He has also been the surprise recipient of a respected international prize for promoting “fraternity between nations” awarded by a jury that was apparently also fooled by his representations and equally unaware of his lack of qualifications and accomplishment. 

The string of discomfiting revelations regarding the White House Crashers has resulted in widespread recriminations and finger-pointing. Many among the large number of individuals hoodwinked by the couple – now estimated at approximately 69,456,897 – are expressing outrage at the couple’s power-grabbing shenanigans, including a nearly $1-trillion shopping spree on the public’s credit card and an effort to revamp the entire health-care system. 

Meanwhile, the couple has refused comment, other than to post on their Facebook account that while they might not have been otherwise qualified for admission to the White House, they had “been able to say numerous times during the course of two years of campaigning that they had ‘stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night.’”

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