Dan Calabrese

For someone who’s a joke and can’t be taken seriously, Sarah Palin has certainly captured the attention of the mainstream media.

Newsweek’s cover screams that Palin is “bad for the GOP – and for everyone else, too!” The Associated Press assigns 11 reporters to “fact-check” Palin’s book, Going Rogue, which hits bookstores today.

You've got it bad.

(Hell of a birthday present for anyone who might be having a birthday today, not sayin’, just sayin’ . . . )

The New York Times dissects her interview on Oprah as if it were a debate performance by the president himself, oddly informing us that Palin had wandered off message or something (as if the Times has inside information on exactly what Palin’s “message” is supposed to be).

The Times’ “conservative” columnist David Brooks sniffs on ABC’s This Week that he can’t take her seriously. The search is on for someone who takes David Brooks seriously.

Media, have you looked at yourselves? You are obsessed with this woman. You apparently hate her guts, but you do so in a so-hideous-we-can’t-look-away sort of fashion. You keep telling us that she’s dumb, shallow, unqualified, erratic and incompetent.

Yet. You. Keep. Talking. About Her.

You never stop.

You are in love with her.

Hey. I don’t blame you. She’s fantastic. But you’re having this unrequited, adolescent obsession without the honesty of admitting that’s what you’re doing. You come home from school and tell tall tales about how she pulled your hair, stole your lunch money and somehow convinced the teacher that you were at fault for all of it.

This is a hell of an accomplishment for someone who’s dumb as rocks, but that’s your story and you’re sticking to it.

And she continues to infuriate you. For starters, she doesn’t need you and makes no pretense that she does. When she wants to say something, she doesn’t call you or send you a press release. She just posts on Facebook. Then you, jilted but dutifully on the heels of your love, write stories about her Facebook postings, with a little attention to what she actually says, but mostly just a lot of grousing about how she used Facebook – freaking Facebook – instead of properly talking to the establishment media like she’s supposed to.

You watch her interviews. You read her book. You find fault with all of it, of course. But you can’t look away and you can’t shut up about any of it.

Oh, and her pictures! The hottie shot from Runner’s World? Yeah, that’s what they put on the cover of Newsweek to warn us that she is the scourge of humanity.

She’s pretty! You’ve noticed. Of course, you’re catty about this too. You make little comments about how her hair is too big or her glasses are too gaudy. You talk and talk and talk, and you realize, I hope, that you’re not fooling your friends. They know an obsession when they see one.

You even keep talking to that Levi Johnston idiot, even though you know he’s the biggest douchebag on Earth, because you crave any information you can get about her, and even though you know he’s a liar and you really can’t believe anything he says, you can dream it’s true!

You’ve got it bad. Hey, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’d probably be in love with her too if my heart didn’t already belong to someone else.

I do wonder, though, what you’re going to do if she doesn’t run for president like you’re so sure she will. After all, as much as you obsess over her, you really don’t seem to understand her very well. So when it comes around to predicting what she might do in the future, I think I’d rather listen to her than listen to you.

I know. That hurt. Because you think you’re her soulmate, even though you keep saying you can’t stand her.

Sorry dude. It’s kind of cute, but it’s really pretty pathetic. Especially since you know, deep down, that she’s just not that into you.

Update: Robert Stacy McCain has a similar take today. Also very much worth reading.

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111 Responses to “Poor media: You’re in love with Sarah Palin, and she’s just not that into you”