Dan Calabrese

I think it’s time someone busted classy chick Carrie Prejean out of Conservative Icon Prison.

Hey, Carrie, quick . . . this way. Grab your stuff. Um, come to think of it, you might want to leave the video camera behind. You think you can fit through the air shaft? There’s no way Sean Hannity can follow you through there, trust me.

An American female. That's pretty much it.

Some life. You get asked a question about gay marriage in a beauty pageant (do a lot of gay dudes watch beauty pageants? just a question) and not only do you get called a bitch and worse by the douchebag who asked the question, you also get turned into a hero by the entire conservative movement.

And that becomes a really big problem when the muckraking web site TMZ gets its hands not only on your topless photos, but on your freaking “sex tape” . . . which, if Prejean is to be believed, is actually either a strip tease or an exercise in, er, self-gratification, as she insists she was alone in the room.

So let’s consider: Why is Carrie Prejean not allowed to have appeared in topless photos or in a “sex tape”? This gets a little complicated, so try to stay with me:

Once Carrie Prejean had expressed an opinion on a social/political issue that is unacceptable to the American left, she found herself on The List. And what is The List? The List is a collection of people who can, must and will have their entire lives scoured for any example of “hypocrisy.”

But we’re not done yet. We have to explain the definition of “hypocrisy” as determined by the keepers of The List – because it’s different from yours and mine. You and I think hypocrisy is when you say one thing and do another. Prejean upset the likes of Perez Hilton by saying that marriage is between a man and a woman. So what would make her a hypocrite? If she married another woman, of course. (Or if she, say, performed a wedding ceremony between the aforementioned Mr. Hilton and, er, maybe, Jon Gosselin.)

Then she would be a hypocrite as you and I define it. But that’s not the definition that applies here.

The definition that applies here works like this: She is a conservative and a Christian. Conservatives and Christians are judgmental prudes who a) claim to be perfect; and b) judge everyone else for not being perfect. So it doesn’t matter that she never denounced topless photos. It doesn’t matter that she never denounced “sex tapes.” Every prudish, judgmental belief that has ever been imagined by a critic of Christians and conservatives is hereby ascribed to Carrie Prejean. Anything she has ever done in contradiction of these imagined beliefs thereby proves her hypocrisy.

Conclusion: Gay marriage is awesome. And all because TMZ has a video of Carrie Prejean masturbating. It’s good to be alive.

This is all intensified to the enth degree, of course, when you embrace your role as Conservative Icon and have Sean Hannity to write the foreward to your book. It even invites conservative blowback, such as today’s thoughtful piece by self-proclaimed conservative feminist Chelsea Dyer on RedState.com declaring that Prejean is a little too willing to objectify herself to be qualified to speak for enlightened conservative women.

Here’s a thought: Maybe the conservative movement graduates people like Carrie Prejean to hero status a little too easily. It was awesome that she gave an honest answer to Perez Hilton about gay marriage, although I’m not entirely convinced she realized what she was getting herself into. And it’s a shame she got so roundly attacked simply for not being politically correct.

It’s also a very good thing that she understands the Christian doctrine of forgiveness, which she apparently needs – sort of like all the rest of us.

But she’s just a good-looking woman who got treated like crap in a beauty pageant by a jerk. Nothing more than that. I doubt she has anything all that insightful to tell the rest of us about life or politics – certainly not enough to fill an entire book.

And now that we know she’s not only taken topless photos but also made a “sex tape” of herself – and apparently wasn’t entirely honest about it – well, what does that make her? I’d say it makes her a 21-year-old American female, not too different from a lot of others.

Chelsea Dyer is right. Carrie Prejean is in no position to speak for her. But that’s only because Chelsea Dyer is smart enough to know she needs to speak for herself.

Carrie, let’s get you past the last guard post and get you on your way to freedom. Oh, and if you ever try to come back here again, you’re on your own.

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