Bob Maistros

News Item:  The New York Times reports that President Obama has been “criticized by women’s advocates and liberal bloggers for hosting a high-level basketball game with no female players” and notes that “he presides over a White House rife with fist-bumping young men who call each other ‘dude’ and testosterone-brimming personalities like Rahm Emanuel, the often-profane chief of staff; Lawrence Summers, the brash economic adviser; and Robert Gibbs, the press secretary, who habitually speaks in sports metaphors.”

Delightful!

In yet another exclusive, we bring you into the Oval Office for a get-together called by the president with Emanuel, Summers and Gibbs along with White House advisors Valerie Jarrett and Anita Dunn and Deputy Chief of Staff Mona Sutphen.  Let’s roll the tape:

Obama: “Darlings, I have to say it’s been good to have you all in today, and I must say, you look mah-velous.  Anyone else want more tea and scones?”

Emanuel: “Thank you, Mr. President.  May I point out, that suit looks so metro on you, and I especially ADORE the lavender shirt.”

Obama: “Really, Rahmy?  You don’t think this outfit makes me look fat?”

Gibbs: “Fuh – I mean, goodness, no.  Those vertical stripes are so slimming.”

Obama: “Oh, you’re so sweet to say it.  Bobby, would you like a ladyfinger?”

Gibbs: “Mr. President, I really can’t.  Jenny Craig, you know.  But I love this idea of replacing all that sweaty basketball playing and those environmentally unfriendly golf matches with this scrapbooking circle.  I can’t remember the last time I’ve had this much fun. I especially appreciate that you got the quotas – I mean, the invitation list – exactly right. Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.  That’ll make dealing with The View so much easier. And Anita, I’m really truly enjoying myself mounting all these clips of your little lovefest with Glenn Beck. What do you think of the pink trim with the hearts and flowers?”

Dunn: “It’s precious, Bobby, and so are you.  And how do you like my collage of action scenes with Mao and Mother Teresa?”

Gibbs: “You’re so droll, Anita.  Who else would have thought of that clever juxtaposition?  Those high schoolers must have just been R-O-T-F-L, if you know what I mean.  But that Beck is just so nasty.  I just want to take him over my knee and spank him. Maybe I should. What are you working on over there, Valerie?”

Jarrett: “I’m matting my collection of pictures of me with Van Jones. I wish he were here to join us. You know how creative he is. Rahmy, can you pass the cookies? And how are you doing on your project?”

Emanuel: “I thought it would be bitc – I mean, really lovely – to use calligraphy in my layout of our official Enemies List.  I learned that from Vlady Putin.  You should see the one he did up of all those pesky investigative reporters in Moscow. Just think what he would do to Sean Hannity.  I think we should ask him for some pointers.”

Obama: “That’s nothing. You think that was a really a book Hugo Chavez handed me at the Americas Summit?”

Emanuel: “It wasn’t, Mr. President?”

Obama: “Are you kidding? That Open Veins of Latin America angle was just a story to keep his machismo cover. He’s a softie. Hughie – that what he told me to call him – did a scrapbook up for me with scenes from all his nationalized industries, all laid out with purple Che Guevara prints in the trim. Gave me some new ideas, I have to say. Can’t we just save all this fuss over health care reform and take over the AMA? Oh, and I got his secret recipe for flan.”

Summers: “Is that what I’m eating?”

Obama: “You betcha, Larry.  How is it?”

Summers: “Scrumptious, Mr. President.  Just like your economic plan.  In fact, I’m doing up the latest stats over here. I figured pasting them up with smiley faces might get Katie and Diane to put a rosier tinge on their reporting of all the job losses and the falling dollar.”

Obama: “What a dreamy idea, and right on time. Hillary, Kathleen Sibelius, Sonia Sotomayor and I are having them in next week for some Pilates.  I just got the most delectable leotard…”

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